When Nicki Minaj’s eyebrow speaks, you’d better pay attention.
Sometimes it raises itself up — like a King Cobra — threatening to strike out at those who dare to disagree with its master. Other times it furrows comically, framing a sarcastic side-eye directed at the stream of divaness emanating from She Who Has Sold As Many Albums as Everyone Who’s Ever Come Off of Idol Combined*. (*At least that’s what Ryan Seacrest tells us.)
Occasionally, it softens, because it understands that just because a 15-year-old boy with no singing talent has the nerve to be Asian and wear thick-framed glasses on national television doesn’t mean he should be pilloried in the public square while the town bullies administer a wedgie of cataclysmic proportions. (In fact, sometimes, all this kind of kid really needs is a hug.)
Once in a while, it spazzes out — because it’s not getting enough attention underneath the cotton-candy wigs and band-leader hats and 20-ply false eyelashes, and it really, really, really likes getting attention.
Still, after watching American Idol‘s very promising Season 12 premiere, I’m pretty certain of one thing: No matter how Nicki Minaj and her expressive eyebrow perform over the next several months, she’s not going to “save” the show from its annual ratings slippage — oh how 99 percent of programs wish they had those kinds of problems! — nor will she “destroy” The House That Kelly Clarkson Built. Nor will The Lady Carey, she of the gigantic voice, fragile ego, keen ear and penchant for delicious bitchery. Or the other new judge, Keith Urban, who’s got great hair and a sweet, thoughtful demeanor.
That’s because, as every die-hard Idoloonie knows, Fox’s ubiquitous singing competition will always live or die based on its contestants.
This message was reinforced, in a maniacal stroke of genius, in the opening seconds of Season 12, with a quiet shot of a lonely stool in the center of a concert hall. Cut to an acoustic guitar. An amp. An old-fashioned mic. And Season 11 winner Phillip Phillips, singing “Home,” the monster hit with the “ooooh ooooh-ooooh ooh-ooh-ooh” chorus you’ve had stuck in your head since McKayla Maroney landed that spectacular vault during the 2012 Summer Olympics. And then, finally, the voice of Ryan Seacrest, booming the reminder: ”Last summer, you turned a pawn-shop worker into a mega-star!” Yes indeedy! (Quick poll: How many times have you played “Home” on iTunes? My playcount stands at 53.)
Okay, so maybe Seacrest’s declaration that ”together, we’ll take the journey that defines a nation” stepped over the border of hyperbole and into the land of utter absurdity, but by his own admission, the host with the most has been “tired for 10 years,” so let’s cut him a little bit of slack (something Emmy voters never seem to do).
But back to the contestants…since that’s what it’s really all about. The Season 12 premiere gave us extended footage of eight promising Golden Ticket recipients — including a few voices with possible superstar potential. Better still, for the first time in Idol history, we saw multiple examples of the judges voting “no” to moderately talented auditioners with super-compelling backstories. Sure, there was the annual Let’s Make Fun of a Guy With a Foreign Accent interlude, but there was also an end-of-episode tryout involving a radiant young woman and her medically complex foster siblings that had my eyes spilling over with tears (and I don’t think it’s merely because my hubby and I have been fostering kids ourselves for the last couple of years).
Anyhow, I’ll be back overnight to update this URL with a full episode recap with descriptions of every contestant — bookmark, refresh, and enjoy! — but until then, let me turn things over to you. What did you think of the American Idol Season 12 premiere? What did you think of the new judges’ panel? And who was your favorite Golden Ticket recipient? Sound off in the comments, and for all my Idol-related news, recaps, interviews and videos, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!
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